


Dreaming Of A World Upturned

by RonChee



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DC Extended Universe, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Humor, Imperius, Imperiused Sex, Implied Sexual Content, Mind Control, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Content, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 07:50:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19291426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonChee/pseuds/RonChee
Summary: A man believes his self-insert is a dream, and chaos ensues.Meanwhile Albus Dumbledore is taking some time off to find some candy and his old friend in Gotham.





	1. Waking To The Dream

The man "woke up" feeling _different_.  He felt oddly energized and instantly aware he wasn't himself.  No, he was in the guise of none other than Barty Crouch Jr. as if that made complete sense.

Clearly he was dreaming, but he couldn't be more delighted.  He always liked imagining himself a Wizard.

Judging from his locale of a stone brick walls and lack of happiness sucking demons despite the cold and how he had both eyes and both legs he figured 'Barty' just had his soul eaten up. 

Finding the twig he was delighted as he felt the power of the mighty stick, the sheer rush of warmth and  power in his hands...  He was amazed that he could feel anything in a dream, much less something as spectacular as that! "Surprisingly vivid, but still it's nice, and I'm not just talking about you." He told the thing in his hands.  Also he found his wand.

He hoped for and was lucky enough to remember where 'he'd stashed his invisibility cloak pulling the thing out and on with a grin even as he hurriedly set about packing having no idea how long it would take.  Thankfully this was a dream, a simple command of "Pack." Had everything in the office and his quarters flying into his trunk effortlessly.

Shrinking it was just as simple, he hadn't realized how much useless knowledge of Harry Potter he'd picked up as he muttered "Reducio." The trunk seemed almost to fold in on itself down to the size of a wallet, an "Accio." summoning it to his hand barely remembering a feather-light charm at it.  He couldn't remember the incantation but willing the heavy trunk to not end his dream he found ample motivation to cast it silently.

Quickly pocketing the trunks he threw on the invisibility cloak before stalking out of the room. 

His first thought was the kitchens to find himself an elf but that was rejected almost immediately.  For some reason he felt a deep hatred towards the little beasties despite how useful they were.  Then again, considering how Dobby nearly killed Harry trying to save him and how freaky the little things looked maybe it wasn't so unexpected.

Similarly the Room of Requirement was rejected as well knowing that it was a dream he didn't care about acquiring wealth.  Beside, he had magic and invisibility, he could take whatever he wanted.

Though at present he didn't much fancy a fight as fun as that might be,

Luckily he remembered more, the third floor wasn't far and the ugly statue of a one-eyed humpbacked witch even easier, a quick " _Dissendium."_ and a tap on it's noggin with his wand had her stepping aside with an ugly glare.

It was a simple matter to dig out his tiny shrunken broom out of his shrunken trunk with another accio spell quickly growing it to size.

Bit of a harrowing trip to be sure through the narrow tunnels but far faster than walking like some sort of _Muggle_.

He shuddered theatrically.

The candy shop was empty and dark.  Into his trunk it's contents went, a surprisingly tasty blood-flavored lollypop in his mouth. "I wish all my dreams were this vivid...  What do they call em? Lucid dreams?"  He muttered exiting the candy shop, the shriek of alarm spells sounding.  His alarm was probably going off in the real world he thought with annoyance.  He'd power through it as long as he could.

In the spirit of prolonging it he thought about where he could go, one location popping up vividly, and with a spin he too popped away.

He popped back into the oddly spinning world in front of The Leaky Cauldron.

Nipping in for a bit he silent accioed a few bottles of Butter-Beer and Fire-Whiskey into the softened wall and floor, shouts of surprise and one particularly scruffy man getting hit on the head with it even as the bartender rushed towards his drinks.  Barty was only able shrink a few but figured it'd be enough as he ducked out of the alley one Butterbeer in hand, the cap twisting off with a wand tap and a wish for it to be gone.  It flew off hitting a Muggle and he couldn't help but laugh.

Then he took a drink of the Butterbeer.  It was... Not that great. Carmely and buttery sure, but not that spectacular.  You could buy a tastier drink at any Starbucks or grocery store.

He dropped it even as he took out a bottle of Fire-Whiskey unshrinking it even as he briskly waked away. Witches and Wizards pouring out into Muggle London searching for the missing booze to his amusement but he paid it no more attention.

He took a swallow of the liquor without hesitance expecting a cinnamon-flavored-whiskey.  What he got instead was burning pain coming from his mouth and throat as he puked fire. It burned bad on the way in and worse on the way out worse than any alcohol ever had burned in the history of ever.  In the drink's defense he felt buzzed as he coughed and wheezed but he left the bottle where it fell even as it refused to break, as if even hell would not accept it into it's domain.

He drank a Butterbeer to wash the heat away, nearly draining the bottle dry. 

He walked about trying to think of what to do, enjoying his buzz now that it wasn't threatening to burn down the city.

Discarding the Fire-Whiskey as he went was rather amusing.  To see the delighted faces of the homeless as the find a bottle of hootch was heart-warming, and to watch them becoming shabby dragons for an instant was utterly hilarious.  More than one even went back for seconds, though one preformed a surprisingly indoctrinate exorcism on the bottle.

Still, just giving homeless people fire-water was getting dull.  Then he saw _it_ and knew this was what he'd been searching for.  The neon signs, the backlit  silhouettes of women in risque poses, it was the same anywhere truly.

He wasn't much for strip clubs while awake but he hardly had to pay, he was invisible!

* * *

"Last night there was a terrible tragedy, one I've not seen the likes of in my entire life as long as that's been...  Not during the war nor during my tenure here have I ever before heard of such a vile act... Please keep calm as I tell you this, I know you will be angry, sad, and confused, but please, don't panic." The Headmaster said in a dead-tone of voice as he addressed the students who were listening in rapt attention.

"Someone robbed Honeydukes." He concluded to the expected horrified silence. 

Someone angrily said "Albus!" reminding him of the other news.

"Oh yes, there was something more wasn't there?  Hm... Ah, right, that French guy, Where's-His-Nose has also returned and killed that strange sparkling student."  He waved it off as unimportant, after all how big a threat could a man unable to smell or taste be?  Besides, it wasn't as though the sparkly student had been killed with a stake, he'd be back on his feet in no time.

"Also to end things on a more pleasant note I do have some good news for you all!  If you've ever stayed awake for a few moments in History of Magic, (yes I'm speaking about you Ravenclaws and Miss Granger), then you'll know we were hiding magic from the muggles.  Everyone should at least know that you weren't allowed to cast magic before you became seventeen and that was the reason why.   Don't worry about that anymore, they know."  The students didn't seem all that relieved by his good news save perhaps Harry Potter.  Such a good lad, a more pleasant smile was hard to find despite all the adversity in his life. Rather reminded him of his old friend Jack Napier over in Gotham come to think of it.  He wondered whatever happened to the ever pranking man-child... Hm.... He bet Gotham had candy still...

"Minerva, an important matter has come to my attention and I'm afraid I'll have to let you finish off the school-year in my stead." He said firmly as he quickly made a turkey leg into a portkey, and with a wand tap activated it. Candy-ahoy!


	2. Stripclubs and Halloween Costumes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Self-Insert walks into a strip club, tell me if you've heard this one before...

"The man posing as Barty Crouch Jr. within a vivid dream walked into a strip club.... There's gotta be a joke in there somewhere. My soul isn't the only thing that needs sucking maybe?" He muttered to himself as he slipped past the bouncer thanks to the power of dreams, and the invisibility cloak as well.

"Why a cloak anyway? I'd rather like an invisibility Snuggie instead. All the comfort of a regular Snuggie, none of the embarrassment of owning one." He said firmly wondering if he could change it into one. There was hardly a standard blanket to Snuggie spell, a clear oversight on the part of the Magicals.

Flinching a beer under his cloak he took a long drag nearly spitting out when he realized how warm it was.

"Brits." He nearly spat the word. "I can understand the Fire-Whisky being served hot, is there any other way to serve something with fire in it's name? But beer? By Jove it's an atrocity." There were several confused and even angry glances at the sound of someone disparaging their piss-water but the seedy patrons saw nothing and soon turned back to more interesting things.

The things in question being women, and the women being depressingly clothed. Granted the clothing didn't cover all that much, but who would pay to see women in bras and panties? He snorted and vanished the bra off the most attractive of the bunch, though that wasn't saying all that much. She seemed momentarily surprised and covered herself. Covered herself!  He couldn't believe it.

It was an offense towards strip clubs the world over but nothing that an imperio couldn't solve, a muggle-repelling ward had the rest of the louts ignoring her when he'd noted an employee trying to convince her to cover up. As a bonus the ward allowed him to take off his invisibility cloak. It'd been rather nice outside in the horrid cold but the strip club was a furnace in comparison.

'Take off those panties.' He sent the magical instruction and was overjoyed to see her immediately comply even if she didn't do it nearly as sexily as the strippers in America as if this was the first day on the job.  

"Maybe the laws are different here..."  He thought aloud even as he instructed her to begin utilizing the pole in what passed as her normal routine, that too rather dull.

He glanced at his beer before shrugging, couldn't make it taste worse. 

Setting the bottle upon the stage he instructed her and the woman complied squatting down over the bottle of beer and began having sex with it. 

He snorted in disgust.  Sure he was hard because of it but he wouldn't have sex with a stripper for all the tea in England, you never knew just which did backroom deals and caught something.  More he was hardly going to masturbate in a dream, he could do that well enough in real life. 

In the end he left her to her fun dispelling the ward after he threw back on his cloak searching the streets for someone more palpable and considering how worked up he was he didn't search long.

Hearing the booming song coming from the club he couldn't help but laugh, surprised his mind had conjured it up.

"If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'd been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?"  He sang along as he scanned the line, the club scene not a good place for an invisible Wizard.

Women's club-wear in his dream was a surprising mix of slutty and fancy he saw.  From braless blouses to dresses in all sorts of shades it was as if he'd found what he'd been looking for at the strip club.

"Imperio."  He chose one of the few wearing a skirt at a whim.

She entered the club only briefly before stepping back out after her friends were lost within the noise of the club, and he trailed after her watching the view.

Finally she entered an alley way that smelled of piss at least until he freshened the air, wishing he'd spotted a hotel.

He had her squat down and pulled out his cock and with a thought and a wave of his wand, along with the silly incantation of "Muggletum repello." no one would get close to the alley to see a floating penis.

A mental command had her squatting even as she immediately grabbed hold of it with cold hands that nearly had him jumping out of his skin.  A warming charm took care of that, and he groaned as she 'expertly' cupped his testicles gently playing with them even as she began stroke his penis just as well as he could, feeling infinitely better before he had her lick and suckle the head.

With a thought feeling nearly spent already he had her take it into her head swallowing as it entered, licking all the while, a slight adjustment here and there and he was cumming in her mouth in record time and she swallowed every last drop cleaning him up with her tongue for good measure, a spell of conjured water and a handkerchief finished the job.

Those that say a perfect blowjob doesn't exist haven't had one with imperio involved, a spell that allows you to command even the most minuite of actions as you think them.

"You, I'm keeping you."  He liked to think that the figment of his dream was as happy about that as he was but he didn't care, though he dreaded the mess he surely left in his sheets.

* * *

 

"Yes, good evening Miss, is Mister Napier here?  Jack Napier?"  Dumbledore asked the woman in the doorway. 

"No."  Rather curt.

"Are you certain?  This was his last address- ah, maybe you know him by his nickname, he was always such a Joker."  He chuckled at his pun. 

The door slammed shut in his face.  

Evidently he'd been playing pranks on people, he tsked disappointed.  Mostly that he'd missed it he admitted, he always had loved watching a good prank.

"What are you doing in my city?" A growling voice came from behind him, Albus spun about, his wand in hand to see... "Just looking for an old friend.  Is it Halloween already?  Here you go my boy, I love your Snape costume. You do however realize he doesn't wear a mask correct?"  Dumbledore said handing over a genuine Sweet Tooth ™ chocolate bar.  It was even better than Honeyduke's best chocolate Albus thought, but sadly this Sweet Tooth™ company didn't sell any lemon based candies. 

The 'Snape' look-a-like took the chocolate bar scanning it.  It looked like chocolate from that dastardly villain that had changed all of Gotham's chocolate into water blackmailing the city until he reversed it.

He looked up when he heard a strange popping sound only to see he was alone.

"Is this what it feels like when I vanish on people? I do not like it. Still, one thing is certain, I shall not rest until I discover your purposes in _my_ city." Batman growled not liking the idea of the Joker reuniting with any old friends, especially not one with villain connections.  He took his Bat-Grappling-Gun out of his Bat-Belt and just before he shot it he wondered aloud "What in the world is a Snape anyway?"  


 


	3. Alleys and Allegators Oh My

Barty walked invisibly behind the women in the short skirt smiling brightly even as he directed her to take him to her home feeling exhausted.

Sure, having had the best blowjob of his life and staying asleep combined with being able to taste and smell, feel and more was making this look less and less like a dream, but he still wasn't _entirely_ convinced of that.  Even if it _was_ real it wasn't like he could be anything but a criminal anyway considering the tattoo on his arm. Did laser tattoo removal even exist this far in the past? He'd have to find out.

He didn't know how far they were going or else he would of forced her to get a cab.

The second alley of the night was much as the same as the first, this time he leaned against a recently magically washed wall as she took off her panties holding them in a hand even as she lifted up her skirt just enough to make the only part of his body visible vanish within. 

She was bone dry at first, but there was a spell for that it turned out.  Another indication of this not being a dream, as he rather doubted Rowling invented a lubrication spell.  
  
He let the Muggle do the work, this body of a Wizard was not nearly fit enough to be walking all night and then doing _more_.  Besides, it's not like she cared lost in the mind-numbing pleasure of the imperius curse as she was.

He _did_ take the opportunity to reach up into her shirt careful not to dislodge his invisibility cloak feeling her tits to expatiate things, and was soon regretting it as he came within her almost immediately after even as he forced her to sink atop him lest he chafe or got cold as he rested in the after-pleasures.

"Oy, are you some kinda slutty mime?"  A thuggish looking teen asked incredulously seeing the woman with an uplifted skirt leaning on thin air.

"Confundo." Had him momentarily confused which was such a natural expression on his face that Barty wanted to laugh. 

"Shite, I think I left the baby in the oven!" He ran off and he didn't hold it in any longer.

Finally Barty allowed the woman to get off him having her wipe himself and then her up with her panties and setting it aflame, the idea of the woman wearing nothing underneath the skirt rather appealing. Still, it was kind of dull, like masturbation with an extra body. Not bad by any means but the spell did take something away from the experience he thought.  He still had her lead him to her apartment of course, he was getting a bit tired and peckish besides.

* * *

Albus stared at the man in the padded room in shock. "Just what have they done to you Jack?"  He was fairly sure his friend hadn't been a tall smurf when he last saw him, and what an amusing outfit but how did he use his arms?

"Who's that? Santa Claus? Are you here to give me prezzies?" Jack asked him delighted, falling backwards before flipping himself standing despite his straight-jacket, his expression eager and his smile wider than even he remembered.

Albus chuckled "No, I'm afraid not, it is I, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore."

Jack tilted his head before saying "Do I know you from somewhere?"

Albus reluctantly admitted "You used to call me Alligator in parting, among a host of other names I care not to repeat."

Jack's eyes lit up in delight. "Alice, you came back! You old goat-molester you! I thought I'd never see you again!"

Albus sighed, "Yes yes, delighted to see you again as well.  Now just how did you get yourself here? Have you been playing pranks again?"  He said non-nonchalantly trying not to sound too eager to hear about them.

"Oh my, turn that frown upside down and cop a squat, and let me tell you about it! You see, it all started with a girl, as all the best stories do. Well, you can pretend it was a girl goat if it makes you feel better, and it ended with an insane man dressed as a bat if you can believe it... Ah, it is a tale as old as time, truly.  You see, when a man loves a woman he does some mighty strange things like stealing the Statue of Liberty as a gift..."

Despite the rough start the Headmaster was smiling, and it only got wider as time went on. The stories his friend told of what he'd been up to made him feel young again.

Still, the stories were tainted by the man that seemed to be abusing magic for his own purposes with the darkest of magics. Transforming into a bat was all well in good but it sounded like he may be a vampire.

Worse still the magics Jack described were surely dark. Disappearing in bursts of  smoke, flight without a broom and some strange magic involving ritually naming all his possessions after his totem, the Bat.... Dark stuff, not the darkest but certainly not good. It got worse as he turned out to be terrorizing good people, beating them up and having them committed to an institution on such flimsy charges that they walk free within less than a month of their capture. He hadn't believed it, feeling himself a terrible friend but upon looking into the records found out that it was _true_ , this Arkham was a revolving door of a facility that seemingly did the bare minimum to look as if they were 'curing' the completely sane.

This Man-Bat was clearly unhinged, and Dumbledore knew it was up to him to return him to the light.

First though, he had to free Man-Bat's victims. He'd not suffer a single innocent imprisoned by an unjust system knowingly, not again.


	4. Am I The Baddie?

The apartment wasn't the best place he'd stayed, a bit of a sty in a run down building, but he thought he could be happy enough staying there a night.

Of course he didn't quite trust his spell to hold- he felt as if he had a bad experience with that, but tying her to a bed spread eagle was nice enough for a little variety and best of all he woke up while still inside her allowing him to go again while not even getting out of bed. 

A quick trip to the bathroom and he discovered the woman had wet the bed and grimaced.  That was of course when he heard the front door opening.  "Beth you slag, why'd you go and ditch us?  Ya here girl!?"  Whoever it was sounded female and incredibly wasted and to his amusement she slammed open the door spotting the woman- Beth apparently- strapped to the bed.

"Oh, I see you were rather tied-up last night.  Did a one-night stand forget to untie you before he snuck off?" The smell of alcohol pouring off the woman was astounding even as he cast another imperius curse, and watched the two women shower together a few moments before joining them.  Best dream ever, even if it's getting harder and harder to believe it is one. 

* * *

He lay exhausted between the two girls on the other bed feeling spent even as he thought about his next move. As unlikely as it was he had to admit this was probably not a dream but... Treating it as the same as his old life wasn't right at all, not when he had a slave brand on his arm and had already been a criminal anyway.

"Am I the baddie?" The man in Barty Crouch Junior's body wondered aloud before nodding, "I am... but... I don't feel guilty about it.  Odd, always thought I would. Still, staying in England seems like a remarkably bad idea.  Surely the Minister sent word to retrieve Barty's body by now and were on a massive manhunt for it, which means I need to get gone, and I miss America anyway."  He said firmly.

* * *

"Amelia, he was _kissed_ , I'm not wasting valuable ministry resource on a witch-hunt!" Fudge said feeling a headache coming on, or at least getting worse.

"But Minister, strange things happen all the time, and the only reasons someone would want a dead body... They're not good." The woman said.

He snorted, "Please give it a rest.  If you haven't _noticed_ that hiding from muggles thingie is _gone_ , I'll be lucky if I stay in office for a week!  Already the other ministries are nipping at our heels and the I.C.W. has commissioned a committee to determine if the British Ministry of Magic is at fault... If they think we are we could lose our independence!"

Amelia Bones inhaled sharply, "The Statue of Secrecy has been broken?" Why was she always the last to know these things?  Oh right, she had been busy cleaning up his mess at Hogwarts as much as she _could_ with the primary suspect in a high profile kidnapping and murder kissed and missing.

"Yes yes, and just to make matters worse Albus spilled the beans to his students in the worst possible way while claiming the Dark..Thingie was back before leaving to Merlin knows where leaving us to deal with the mess.  Apparently some drunken lout handed out bottles of Fire-Whiskey to muggles and someone sent an image of someone drinking it before shooting a fireball to all their Tibby-Visions, then it got worse as some moron summoned the bottle apparating away."

Amelia slumped to a chair, the Minister was ...right.  Could he even do that, she wondered briefly before shaking it off. They had bigger problems than a single missing body.

* * *

Dumbledore waited for the noise to settle down but as it appeared to not be working he shot off a canon blast charm which thankfully settled them down some.

"Thank you. I call this first meeting of The Order Of The Phoenix United States division to order. Our primary purpose is to return Man-Bat back to the light, with secondary objectives being finding a good source of quality lemon drops and if there is time heading to England to fight a Man-Snake."

"Is this guy serious?" The Riddler asked.

"Didn't you hear who he came to Gotham to see and who put him up to this? No friend of the Joker is going to be serious, annoyingly enough. Still, the idea of us uniting is a good one. A common cause and once it is complete we can divide up the city among ourselves without opposition." The Penguin stated.

"Good point-"

"Is there something you would like to share with the class Mister Nigma?" The bearded old man asked.

The Riddler ducked his head embarrassed feeling like a school boy again. "No sir."

"Very well, now first of all, Jack, er, you may know him as The Joker- has graciously provided us with valuable information. I do believe he's our expert, though sadly he finds meetings incredibly dull so I shall summarize his findings..."


	5. Oops

From The UK Barty apparated South, first to France then Spain, Morocco to Mauritania, finally to Guinea-Bisau.  From there it was a long hop over to start skipping along the Cape Verde Islands, The Caribbean islands, Cuba and to Florida.

It was an exhausting journey but with a portkey of his recently used in a kidnapping and murder he rather didn't like the idea of risking it just in case.  He frowned down the sudden urge to shout constant vigilance wondering just why his body's memories were only now starting to return to him before shrugging it off.

Beside, you hardly got to see any of the world but dizzying colors with a portkey spinning nonstop till you arrived.  By apparating he got to see more of the world than he had in his life before. Sure it had only been in fifteen minute to hour long increments to allow his magic to recover and he kept on his invisibility cloak not wanting to deal with people he couldn't communicate with but he'd enjoyed seeing the sights a bit.

Still, he was magically pooped and decided to stay in Florida for the evening, regretting suddenly leaving the girls behind, obviated of course.

Deciding to while the time before room service arrived with a little television he frowned at the sight of the news showing a man catching a plane before it crashed flying it gently down to safety. 

"A crossover?  Fuck."  Barty spat, he liked crossovers well enough when he'd been reading them but being in them was often no picnic.

With sudden realization he muttered "Damnit, I hope the Ministry doesn't petition the Justice League-"  He cut off his speech remembering suddenly that Supes could _hear_ just about everyone if he was on Earth, surely he'd be focused on people speaking about petitioning the league?  As he'd been saying, if they did petition them for help finding him he didn't much like his chances with the eavesdropping peeping-tom.  Sure, he'd dyed his hair from it's dull brown into a dark black and did a bit of shopping for clothes that weren't dresses or from the eighteenth century but why take chances?

"I wonder if I should get a pair of glasses..."  It worked out well enough for Superman after all.

"This just in, fairies are real." The anchor woman stated. He couldn't help snorting at that despite knowing they were in this world, "No, you're not hearing things, as our informer in the U.K. reports a hidden world has been revealed, one in which not only fairies are real but dragons and phoenixes, wizards and witches.  Yes, magic is alive and well in England, all discovered thanks to a beverage called Fire-Whiskey as you can see here." 

Barty winced at the sight of the bum spewing fire after drinking out of a rather familiar bottle. "Oops." 

* * *

Dumbledore waited slightly bored he admitted but he was an old man now, and they were supposed to be patient he was told so he resisted the urge to look up the time for the thirty-something time .

He felt an impact on shield and smiled, he was here! Turning he saw the boy in the Snape costume.

"Ah, pardon me young man, have you seen Man-Bat around?"

Batman blinked. Not only had his Bat-Bolos done nothing, stopped by an invisible shield but... Man-Bat? Really?

"I'm Batman." He growled readying a pellet he developed thanks to Mr Freeze and a can of spray cheese. Don't ask. It did nothing but freeze the surface of the shield, a Bat-a-Rang in hand he was unprepared for the gout of flame that destroyed the ice.

"Dreadful weather in Gotham." The old man muttered, and well... If someone that dealt with you that easily mistakes your actions for weather, you nod and agree. He was obviously dealing with something powerful, an uncomfortable thought.

"Now, I'm sure you _are_ this Bat-Man-" The old man said sounding as if he doubted it, "But I'm looking for _Man-Bat_ , is he a relative or acquaintance of yours?"

"...No."

"Well, if you see him do be a chap and tell him I'll be waiting for him with bells on." To demonstrate he lifted a sleeve and about twenty of the hundreds of bells on his robes made a clatter.

"...You can't just deface public property."

"That's not very nice, I realize my robes aren't to everyone's taste but someone dressed like a cheap Snape knock-off has no room to talk."

"I meant the words you've painted onto the blimp." He growled still not sure what "Snape" the old man was comparing him to, though his research had indicated it was a surname hailing from England and Southern Scotland as much good as that does.

"Oh, do calm yourself my Boy, it'll wash off! It's rather important I find Man-Bat, and calling out for him this way makes sure he or someone he knows will hear about it."

"It sounds like a personal more than that, but let's say I believe you, just why is a 115 year old male from England seeking a male Gotham-Man-Bat?" He growled.

"Why, to save him of course! The poor Boy so lost and alone has turned to the Dark Arts, but I believe I can redeem him." He nodded. Batman stared at the old man feeling as if though he should leave, to plan and prepare, and to take a bath to feel clean again. 'Why do all my villains have to be insane?'. "Is that him?" Batman asked looking over the old man's shoulders. The robed man spun about bells making an awful racket with a stick in hand. Impressive reflexes Batman thought, obviously the old man treated it a weapon of some sort- a pipe-gun perhaps, or something more esoteric he wondered.

While the old man was distracted Batman threw down a smoke pellet and glided down and away, wondering just what that energy shield was and how he'd break through it and get the Old Man help without hurting him. This needed research, he'd hopefully be safe enough for now on the Blimp far away from him.

"Smoke, so that fellow was the Man-Bat! Blast, should have put a tracking charm on him." Dumbledore muttered.


	6. Beaches and Bonbons

Far more than in his past life Barty enjoyed the beaches of Florida.  Why?  Because most of his memories of this life had returned and he was no longer locked up in Azkaban or his supposed Father's home.

That and his first life's deep set admiration for the female form... Well, it only made sense that he'd end up on the beach, honestly.

Shame that it seemed such a large portion of them were of the elder sect, but you couldn't have it all it seemed.

It helped that it got his mind off the conflicting thoughts within him. 

Muggles deserve death you say thoughts?  Well look at that beauty, she doesn't deserve _death_ , she deserves to be admired for her looks and perfect tan!  

We'll be hunted by the Dark Lord for abandoning his cause?  Well, probably but he'll find us easier back in England and probably be tortured and killed for leaving in the first place, have another Mai Tai and watch the women playing volleyball.

We should return to England to help our people now that we know muggles have some value with their micro bikinis?  Oh no, look at that one who's bikini mysteriously got lost in the water, we have to help her with a towel, it's only polite and it gets us close enough that the imperio doesn't make things look odd when we retire to the hotel room. 

We shouldn't spell women into our beds brain?  It's hardly as if they remember it and he's doing his part to populate the world full of more magicals to save them from extinction.

You're getting tired of the beaches you say brain?  About time, me too!  But aren't we in spitting distance of Metropolis and New York?  Wouldn't it be a shame to come all this way and not see a single musical or play?

* * *

"Now, has there been any progress on finding the Man-Bat's nest?" Albus Dumbledore asked the gathered Order hopeful that his compatriots had better luck than him.

"Fraid' not Sugah. My Puddin' Mister J said to tell ya that he found a good source of lemon drops though!" Harley added at the dejected look on the sweet old man's face.

Sure enough Albus found himself brightening up considerably. "Where? Please, it's been so long, I need your sugar, give it to me!"

Catwoman who had been on her way to spy on this Order of The Phoenix to see if she could use them as a distraction for Batman heard the old man's proposition and decided suddenly it wasn't worth it. She jumped out the window heedless of the broken glass, whipping a flag pole swinging onto a roof and running heedlessly.

The rest of the order made excuses to leave early knowing the old man was lost to their cause now. It was a shame, he was certainly powerful, but he was also crazy so they didn't feel all that let-down.

She laughed, "Ah, if only all da boys were as sweet as you! He said there's this guy over in New York called Candyman, fraid' the boss didn't have much more. He did say the man could get anything for the right price though."

"Candyman..." He muttered, tasting the word and found it just as sweet as he expected.


End file.
